Allyship is a popular topic right now as many of us prepare for whatever may come. However, allyship can also be a surprisingly complex and contentious topic. There is a paradox of allyship wherein uninformed good intentions may cause more harm than good or simply be ineffective. Frustration can arise from this among marginalized people who feel they have the added task of teaching allies, while allies can feel unappreciated for what may be fumbling but heartfelt attempts at support.
The good news is, we can work on that. We reached out to some stellar allies to the LGBTQ+ community to ask how they exercise allyship and I put together some advice from my own experience being an ally and working with others wanting to support the communities I am a part of.
Let's get one thing clear first, everyone has the potential to be someone's ally. No one lives at every intersection of oppression and discrimination. Even within our community there are spectrums of privilege we must be aware of. Being gay but cisgender, trans but white and able to pass, nonbinary but able bodied, or any other combination of identities and experiences makes us simultaneously comrades with some shared experiences and allies who need to listen to each other while being aware of the imbalances of power within ourselves. A good illustration of this is the Wheel of Privilege and Power, which shows many of the ways identity and experience relate to power as segmented concentric circles. Out Here used a version of this for a recent presentation on Allyship hosted by The Seed Theater.
With that in mind, I believe that we should always think about how we want to be approached and supported by those who are outsiders to our experiences when seeking to be an ally. Would you rather someone show up uninvited in your house and start moving things around because they think everything would work better a certain way? Or would you prefer a guest who asks if they can bring something or help out when they arrive? We really have to examine our intentions and check our egos when coming as a guest into someone else's struggle.
Taylor Lyons from Moms for Social Justice shared her practice of decentering herself in these scenarios:
"To me Allyship means a constant process of decentering myself and my lens. It means listening more than speaking. It means receiving and actively processing critical feedback even when it’s ’negative’ and delivered without nicety. It’s understanding and respecting that some spaces (physical and digital) are not for me. And if I’m allowed to observe and learn, that it [is] not necessarily an invite to engage or offer observation, ask questions, or seek validation. It means understanding that actions are louder than words always and forever, and they must be in alignment for the words to mean anything. It means understanding I will never ‘arrive’, it will forever be a journey of learning, relearning, unlearning forever. It means it’s ok and necessary to admit mistakes and blind spots. It means remembering that in the balance of intent vs. impact-impact always wins. It is understanding that I have a part to play in my home, in myself, in my community to keep showing up."
The idea that impact outweighs intent is another crucial part of allyship. Recently there has been debate over allies seeking ways to be visible to marginalized people. Blue bracelets, rainbow accessories, t-shirts with slogans, and yard signs are all great; but what is their impact? None of that is inherently bad and may bring some comfort to people in certain spaces, but they mean nothing if they are only performative and the person displaying their ally colors does not have anything else to offer those they are signaling. That is like being a lighthouse with no port to guide ships into as they navigate a stormy sea. Somebody might end up crashed against the rocks by a misguided light.
So how do you determine how to have the best impact as an ally? Well, there are two ways: Look around for what the people you want to help are actively asking for and look for the ways others are trying to cause harm. Can you strengthen the response to needs? Can you disrupt efforts to attack a community? On one hand, there are opportunities like calls for mutual aid from groups like the Chattanooga Trans Liberation Collective. For the latter, learning what's happening at the legislative level is a good start. Tennessee Equality Project frequently posts updates and calls to action regarding anti-lgbtq legislation here in Tennessee.
But the landscape is always changing and we can expect some rapid shifts in the near future, especially regarding the rights and safety of trans people, as we get into 2025. Already there have been 36 discriminatory state level bills prefiled for the 2025 legislative session in Florida, Alabama, and Texas. Texas claims a whopping 32 of those bills. Tennessee is sure to see a new version of the annual Slate of Hate, the package of anti-lgbtq bills introduced by Tennessee legislators, rolled out for the new year. Immediate needs for both individuals and entire groups of people may turn on a dime at any time.
That's why this bit of advice from Debra Dickerson of PFLAG Chattanooga may sound simple yet is absolutely vital:
"As an ally, I keep learning and loving in order to better support and advocate."
Right there in a single sentence is the essence of allyship. You can attend all of the workshops, read every book about queer experience, doom scroll through each trending queer topic of the day, rage at any bigot who crosses your path; but it's nothing without learning, love, support, and advocacy.
Remember to be humble as well. You may have skills, expertise, resources, money, knowledge, or any number of assets to bring to the table. And yet, you may not know the best ways to apply those to the needs of a community you either are not a member of or have not been engaged with directly. Offer what you can bring to the table and let the people you're helping decide how best to use those tools. They may be looking for exactly what you have to offer. They may already have that need met but can direct your energy elsewhere.
Allyship is not a difficult concept. It's the Golden Rule. It's love thy neighbor. It's among the most basic of human instincts to work for the collective good of our species. If we honor the humanity in each other we can make a better world together. That means learning. That means speaking up. That means showing up. That means doing something with thought and intention.
Joanie Sompayrac, also from PFLAG Chattanooga, offered a great sentiment for us to close out on:
"All I can offer is my best. I love my LGBTQ+ family and friends, and I want to give them as much love and support as I have to offer."
Offer your best and do it out of love. Rage, sympathy, and remorse are finite emotions. They have limits. They consume energy and can cloud the vision. While they may spur one to action in any given moment, they will not sustain anyone in the long fight.
Love will though. So fight better by loving other people better. That's it. That's being an ally.
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